Before The Year Ends: A Fear of Retroaction

I don't know but it's like's that I have always been so cautious of my actions and that I don't know if I'm doing it for the sake of security or just an avenue because I'm afraid of something. It doesn't make 'coz I've always love seeing myself in the past knowing that I've been good and I have had achieved lots of things. I cannot understand this fear. I don't know what's the reason behind it.

Having the group section on facebook is really a good way of having yourself updated with your friends whom have been classified and there, the group where my elementary classmates are classified have been updated and been active lately and it's just that I wanted to reconnect or disconnect myself from. I don't know what exactly I wanted to do or why I wanted to that. i'm scared that it would eat me up. It's like my pride had become a monster inside me and I can never say that it's not somethign I value most. So, okay, I wanted to post a news or whatever so I could at least say high to them. But the fact that I may not be able to be there cosntantly is killing me 'coz I don't want to hold their hopes and mine as well then break it.

They've been a part of me and I don't know why it has changed or I felt like I don't belong to them anymore. It's seems I can't place myself somewhere in their hearts. I felt like I got no place at all. But I will not stop. From now on, I will be that Celine character in one of ABS-CBN's TV series. I will find a way. I will, I know 'coz God will help me. I'm not saying this that I'm putting it all on God's hands. Of course, I will also do my part but for now, I got to set my priorities and that is my studies. Yes, friends are important but being a bit egoist [I'm not ashamed of calling myself that way 'coz for me it's not that bad as long as it's not excessive and could hurt others, but am I hurting my elementary schoolmates?] I have to secure myself first. I really don't want to depend myself or whatever in my life on someone except God and even if I depend my life on God I should be worthy of it and have to do my part as well. Maybe, my old schoolmates would think that I have changed or what but I want them to know that I'm doing this because I want to prepare something big for them. I just wish I could just post a message there and say Christmas to them but I'm just so afraid [scared] that they might ignore it or say something negatively. I know Shem, my old best friend, would perhaps be there but we could never say that it's always certain 'coz I've been bad to him lately. I wish sorry is that easy to say and will easily heal any wound.

Taking Chances: A Story

Taking Chances

College life is like a prelude to an alternative beginning of adulthood. It is like going for something you never thought you’ve had by just following the rules and seeing the other side of truth other than the falsities of life.

I always thought that what you have laid as your principles will always be your principles like thinking that the one thing that captured your attention is the only thing that matters in the big picture but then realizing that it’s just a part of it and not the heart of it.

It’s been like five years since I had wandered within the walls of this university. It’s been like I’ve covered a mirrored past that will always reflect who I’ am now and who I was before. I could still remember how I walked through the hallways with my arms clutched around my best friend’s arm while discussing topics that matters most when you’re still a college student or as in our dialect, as a ‘kolehiyala’ ---trying to act cool and mature at the same time making sure your grades do not fall below the passing rate.

Memories came flooding as I watched the trees in the front of our administration building that were once cut down for landscaping, danced as they have finally grown over the years. It’s like that kind of feeling you remember that seems to send aches in your heart just wishing everything would still be the same as they were.  And below that tall Acacia tree is that familiar bench. It looked like it had gone through the years like an old man waiting for the sun to set in his life. I started walking towards it. I did not care to sit, just stood there. I never wished to remember the memory that will always be bound in this little refuge of mine during Saturdays of June whenever we had our community service. I would never forget the guy who made everything in this place special as it never will.

He used to sit here, waiting, in his white polo shirt and that unkempt hair that seems to perfectly fall on his forehead. And then, as I arrive, he would stop whatever he’s doing as the sound of my car appears to have stopped him from whatever he was thinking and looks up to see me. In those moments, I really don’t know how I should feel whenever I’m staring at his lucid brown eyes that never fail to give me that sudden surge of electricity going through my body as if it was a vile injected directly through my veins. And I know I had fallen in love.

Those things seem to come easily but then, nothing changes except change. It was midday of December on the third floor of our Science building where during that time we were having our preliminary examinations. I was staring at the huge clock as I waited for my best friend to finished answering her questionnaire that he came up to me. His usual approach is that strange blunt look in his eyes trying to tease me of something I’m not really aware of and then, suddenly he tells me. “Lynne, I wanted to thank you for taking the chance to talk to me when I’m so nervous that you and your classmates would judge me during the first day of our class. I never knew I could be a teacher to you since it was never my dream to be.” And then, it came to me that everything I had thought we could be is not happening at all since it was a wrong love at a wrong time like the lyrics found in a song. He said he’d be going for the US to study his masters and perhaps, stay there for a while. He was said to marry an artist who is making a great contribution to his family business and that he might not be able to return. He said he wanted to take this opportunity like how I’d taken mine to say his thanks and that he was glad to have me as one of his best students. There were many rules and regulations to be followed but then it’s the policy of the heart that has to be followed that needs to be broken.

It was like a plot in a story wherein a girl lost her love because it seems like love is not the very reason of having to love someone and being able to let go of them. It’s like a fact that will never stop haunting you unless you have awakened. What fate has it that I must not dwell in such undertaking? I had written once in one of my essays and I guess this is what explains it.

As I pass the old Science building, I saw the huge clock again and realized that it’s the exact time when he said his good bye to me five years ago. I know very well that he had never realized how much I had loved him and no words could ever put those feelings into a colorful scenario.

Taking chances is like being with the wind that never ceases to find its true destination risking the directions it will take. I know that in that very day I had taken the chance and had taken the risks. And I thought that he’s the heart of my life’s picture but then I realized, that’s he’s just a part of it. Nevertheless, he became a part of my life and I would never regret taking that chance.